The Beginning (1/25/2014)

Let me start by saying I have never written a blog, nor did I ever think I would be a person that would blog. The reason for my recent interest in blogging is because I think that I now have something important to talk about, I think it will help me cope and possibly heal, and also because I have recently been reading others blog posts about breast cancer and I have found their posts helpful, uplifting and their words really do give me strength. I hope that by the end of this blog, I will be able to do the same for someone else. I am writing this blog from the perspective of the patient, although for most of my adult life, I have been on the other side of the table as the provider. Needless to say, this will be an interesting journey.

So, where do I begin...my life took a dramatic turn 2 days ago. Something I never thought would happen to me (we all think this way) I received the dreaded diagnosis of breast cancer. I first noticed a lump in my left breast while I was 7 months pregnant with my first baby. I got it looked at right away and had an ultrasound and was told it was just dense breast tissue. I was so relieved and wanted to believe the radiologist, but in the back of my mind I was still concerned. I mean I am a doctor, I know at least a little about scary breast lumps, and mine was firm, hard, felt like the end of an eraser tip (like we learn in medical school), and still I believed that it was likely just a milk duct related to my pregnancy. I read online about all the things it could be, including the fact that breast cancer is often missed in pregnancy.

A few months later, I had my beautiful baby boy, Finn and have been lucky that he was born healthy and has been a wonderful little boy. His labor and delivery was difficult and traumatic, but well worth it. During this time, I was obsessed with breast feeding, my milk took a long time to come in and I never really made enough milk for my baby, which was sad for me. I also noticed that my lump had become much larger. I thought it would get better once my milk came in but it didn't and within a few weeks of my baby being born, I brought this up with my OBGYN again and got another ultrasound. This time, the radiologist saw a large mass on the screen, very irregular, she looked concerned. They also checked my left armpit for any grossly enlarged lymph nodes. I new that was not routine and started to instantly panic. She wanted a mammogram, I did the regular mammogram, then she wanted 4 more pictures so by then I was crying through the mammogram. She told me that she was hoping that this was a lactating adenoma, but it could also be cancer. I needed a biopsy to be the tie-breaker. By now I was extremely concerned, worrying that it was the worst. I had to wait one week to get the biopsy...this was the longest week of my life. And then when I went for my biopsy, I could see it all over the radiologist's face. I knew at that moment that the biopsy was going to be positive. I again cried through the entire procedure, not because it hurt but because I knew my life would never be the same.

The radiologist tried to distract me by asking about my baby, but that just made me cry even harder. How could I possibly have cancer and a new little baby, the possibility that I may not be able to see him grow up was all I could think about. And then of course the biopsy results came back positive for ductal carcinoma in situ. My OBGYN called me and told me over the phone at 9am and I already had an appointment with a breast surgeon by 12:30 and I saw the oncologist right afterward that same day. I was impressed and thankful for this fast response. A little part of me didn't want to know what this all meant, and the other/bigger part of me needed to know what we were going to do about it. Of course I called my heme/onc colleagues that I knew to see what I should do and the everything snowballed from there.

My husband, son and I went to the hospital for 2 doctors appointments that took 6 hours total with labwork and a trip to the pharmacy. It was a whirlwind. During my appointment, both my surgeon and oncologist explained to me that they believed, based on the size of my mass that the cancer was more invasive than the pathology report made it seem. DCIS would be one of the best breast cancers to have, but they were convinced its invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC), which is just how it sounds. So now not only do I have breast cancer, but I likely have a more aggressive form. Well great, somehow I already knew that it was aggressive, it has to be if I'm 31 and have breast cancer. So they sent me for another biopsy and an MRI, and it took another week to get that. What part of time is of the essence did these people not understand! I knew I was a patient but acted like their worst nightmare physician. I figured I did the same for my own patients, I had to find the guts to do the same for myself, so my appointment was for earlier in the week.

The next day, I went in for a bone scan and CT of the chest/abdomen/pelvis for staging purposes. This was the scariest part. This would determine whether I had metastatic disease, which would be a whole entire ballgame. I experienced what it was like to be a patient, and it sucks sometimes, its scary, and the people that take care of you, the techs and the nurses have so much influence on your experience. I was thankful I had great ones. As I lay in the CT scanner getting IV contrast that made my entire body feel like it was on fire with an intense burning that makes you feel like you are gonna pee your pants...but you don't! Then I had the bone scan which was longer and harder to stay still.

Well since I had all this poison  in my body including radioactive stuff and my oncologist had convinced me by that point that I was going to start chemo like tomorrow, I gave up breast feeding and of course felt like a failure, but you gotta do what you gotta do!

That same night of my scans, the day after my diagnosis, my oncologist called me on the phone and gave me the best news ever, that I had no sign of cancer anywhere else in my body! Now off to do more testing and biopsies next week, because nothing in medicine happens on the weekends!